Hymn: Tally Ho!

‘Why is it that no-one talks on trains anymore?’ was his opening gambit, and with condescending arrogance that only a lifetime of wealth can buy, ‘All these people who work or read or sleep on the train - what can their lives be like?’

He seemed to think that by insulting just about everyone sitting within hearing distance that might make some friends. It’s a curious strategy. Perhaps by being loud and obnoxious, he was demonstrating how very important he was.

Rather foolishly, a woman opposite attempted to chide him. “Yes, these morning trains do tend to be quite quiet.”

He missed the sentiment completely. ‘Well, I think it’s terribly important to talk to people.’ he said. ‘Always fascinating. Don’t you think? And what takes you to London today?’

“I work at the Royal College of Nursing.”
‘Oh, you’re a nurse, are you?’ he queried with lascivious enthusiasm.
“Erm, no. I’m an administrator, actually.”
‘Oh well, never mind. Of course, you’d never catch me using the NHS, oh my goodness, no. I have an excellent surgeon who’s always looked after me.’

With all the delicacy of a Challenger tank, the conversation rumbled on. He told her how his wife was perfectly happy for him to flirt with attractive young women (just so long as he didn’t sleep with them), how Public School had done wonders for his sons (although he’d had to sue Uppingham because one of his lads failed an exam), how marvellous it was that now his sons in the City always pampered him on his trips into Town and how, today, he was visiting his tailor for a fitting (so much better than those dreadful off-the-shelf suits one sees in department stores).

The whole carriage had no choice but to listen to his loud bluster. It was repellent and riveting in equal measure. He was wholly ignorant of ‘normal’ life and outrageously dismissive of things that some of us have no choice over, like doing our own laundry. Yet bizarrely, his barracking had a seductive charm. It is true that confidence is a beguiling trait. That and the attractiveness of careless wealth. It left me confused.

As we left I tried to frown at him and politely smile at the same time. It is not an easy expression to master. I clearly didn’t. He looked at me as though I was mad. ‘Poor boy.’ he muttered as he collected his hat and coat.