Hysteria

We’re being chaperoned to our final destination.  I mean, really, what are they suggesting?  Can’t we look after ourselves?

And these guides are something else.  They are the most amazing advertisements.  For not coming here.  They’re not exactly selling the place to us.  It is absolutely ridiculous.  I wonder if they are actually employed by some neighbouring destination for the sole purpose of discouraging visitors here.

‘Don’t carry a camera.
‘Don’t carry a bag.
‘Don’t take a purse or wallet of any kind.
‘Only take small change with you.
‘But make sure to have something to give a mugger.
‘Don’t make yourself conspicuous.
‘Don’t leave the main streets.
‘Don’t go out in a big group.
‘Don’t go out alone.
‘Don’t go out after dark.
‘Don’t go out.’

They paused.

‘You’ll be cheated.
‘You’ll be robbed.
‘You’ll be mugged, rogered, wrapped in marizpan.  They’ll take your shoes, your bank details and your silk knickers.  You’ll end up cold, stiff and covered in goosefat.  Say goodbye to your children now.  They will show you no mercy.
‘Don’t go outside.  Don’t do out.  Don’t do it.  We’re all doomed.  Doomed, doomed, doomed, I tell you.’

He ran screaming off the balcony just for effect.

His colleague cleared her throat. 

‘Right then.  We’ll pick you all up at 9 for our tour of the city.  Have a good night.’

I heard someone at the back weeping.