Presence

Tonight the topic of conversation at our New Dads Support Group, aka Beer Drinking Club, was quite a worrying one - Christmas presents for wives and girlfriends.  You’d think it would get easier year on year, what with deeper understanding and all, but it is quite the contrary.  We’re at the stage in life when the things that we know would be certain winners are far too expensive if we still want a roof over our heads at night, and the things we thought would be triumphs have proved confusingly unwanted and often upsetting.  Jewels, Exotic Holidays and Sports Cars are pretty much out of our hands.  Previous Good Ideas have been consigned to the Reject Pile of Christmases Past.  Some of the gifts for girls that haven’t proved successful include an emergency breakdown kit complete with tow rope (to prevent Beloved becoming stranded), a new washing machine (because there’s always laundry to do), a rechargeable screwdriver (so she doesn’t need to wait for me to fix that hook) and tickets for the next Chelsea match (because we never do anything together anymore).  We all agreed that they were brilliant, thoughtful tokens that showed just how much we care.  Apparently not. 

The same is true for perfume, at least the samples such good value at the local market, or anything smelling of lavender or called Charlie.  Completely baffling rejection. 

We’ve all tried lingerie.  Some of us even thought of buying it as a gift.  Generally, the reaction has been along the lines of “So you want me to look like a French Tart.”  And if there’s one thing a slap round the face has taught me, there’s only one answer to that question.  It didn’t even help when I said that the blonde assistant said she had some just like it.

Other clothes are no better: you can’t buy the right size, even if it is the right size, without accusations of fat-ism, too small is not flattering, it says ‘you need to diet’, generous cuts are worse still.  Colours don’t match skin tones, stripes are in the wrong direction, patterns are too loud, plain is too old-fashioned, and why didn’t I know that it won’t match anything?

‘I’ve bought Jenny a coat’ one said.  We looked at him in awe. 
“Do you know what you’ve done?”  He was the bravest man in the room.  Or the craziest.  Plucky Son of a Bitch.  Like a single-handed, unarmed charge at a machine gun nest.  We bought him a drink.  Maybe one of his last.  We looked at him in a new light.
‘She told me which one.’ he confessed sheepishly.

Now, I’ve been on this side of the fence and I’ve eavesdropped enough to know that similar discussions happen in female circles.  Which I find completely baffling.  We men are simple creatures.  Buy us something we can plug in, drink or wear under clothes and we’re pretty much happy.  You can’t do any of that stuff with cufflinks, pens or manicure sets but does that stop the deluge each year?  Does it bobbins.

We spent more than a couple of hours turning ideas over, sharing catastrophes and offering new suggestions.  In the end, encouraged by ales from around the country and exotically overseas, we’ve all agreed - it’ll be something red and lacy.  Looks like another exciting Christmas.

Comments

[The Boy Who Likes To]

I bought the missus a pig for Christmas. One of those charities were you pay for an animal to be sent to a 3rd World family.
So its like giving her a present without acutally handing her anything she could complain about. Easy.
My friend was given the name of a type of bag, the shop, number of the shop and hints on buying the bag from his missus. How about that for guidance.

[Lynne Spryszak]

1)Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING that plugs into an electrical socket is EVER good.
2)Free, good idea for a new mom: a voucher good for sleeping in late for the next 4 weekends. Also, an offer to let her do whatever she wants for 24 hours - without the baby OR the husband (lounge in the bath, read a book, manicure her nails and actually have time to let them dry, go shopping for something for her, etc.)
3)A night out with the girls no questions asked

[Carlton]

Great ideas all round. I feel success next Christmas is guaranteed! c.