Now, I’m not a big believer in conspiracy theories or stories of abduction (that unpleasant episode with the Darts Team and the boot of a Hillman Avenger aside). Generally, talk of extra-terrestrial contact is the reserve of lunatics madder than a mad mongoose or consumers of mind-altering drugs. However, I fear something is afoot. Or rather a-hand. I haven’t touched a drop of liquor and I’m as sane as the next goat but I suspect aliens are using my fingers to communicate.
It’s subtle, I grant you, but there’s something there. On my thumb nail. I’m used to ridges. Ridges I know. We all get ridges. The occasional white spot. No worries. Bang on the finger or calcium deficiency, depending on who’s talking. Common as Wimbledon. That’s not what I’m talking about. I have lines. And bumps. Lines of regularly spaced bumps stretching away from my cuticle. Clearly visible lumpy bumps. In columns. Not that the columns are the same, mind. No, each one has it own frequency. I have Braille on my nail. Aliens are transmitting a code and they’re just waiting for me to visit their impregnated beauty therapist for a manicure. It’s the only rational explanation.
If I disappear suddenly, you’ll know They have taken me.
I am constantly also contacted by aliens- however it is more often trying to make me change my brand of washing powder than anything else.. aren't aliens cleanly
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