Oh God. I’ve had a vision of the future. And it’s not pretty. Sitting next to four teenage girls for an hour. I was invisible, irrelevant, utterly outside their comprehension. And I was eavesdropping. But I couldn’t quite keep up. The conversation lurched from one subject to another following a fiendishly complex route that seemed completely random to the uninitiated.
“My mum’s driving to London a pink limousine for my aunt’s birthday. She sounds drunk already.”
“Are you going to Mark’s party?”
“Maybe but we need to take something to drink.”
“I’ve never had to buy booze - I always have those little bottles like you get on planes.”
“You can buy some from the Spa outside the station.”
“Yes but my dad’s not happy. He won’t take me.”
“I’m going to buy some shoes today.”
“My dad’s given me £20. Tight arse.”
“I got £100 for passing my exams.”
“My mum pays half and then I just don’t pay her back.”
“We’re going to Tenerife”
“You can never miss the first week of school, you get stuck in the rubbish seats next to the nerds”
“My dad wants to wants me to do ‘A’ levels and become a doctor.”
“I want to marry a doctor.”
“My mum used to be a doctor, one day this boy had had a bicycle accident and had his balls tangled up in his jeans, so they had to cut them off”
“What?”
“His balls.”
“What, both of them?”
“How old was he?”
“He won’t be able to have children.”
“What are you going to buy?”
“I’d like a canoe.”
“My friend, who’s not really a friend, has just had a tattoo.”
“Have you had one?”
“No, I not having one until I’m 16.”
“I think I’m shrinking, my legs are 23 inches.”
“Mine are 26.”
“Julie Roberts is 44 from hip to toe.”
“I want breakfast.”
“I’ve got an Alpen bar.”
At this point, my head exploded.